I haven't blogged in such a long time.

Isn't it funny that I've ended up in a career that predominantly centres on writing...and yet, I've written nothing for myself in the past few years.

I never thought I liked writing - I never even thought that I would be good at it. To be honest, I still don't think I am that good. But somehow I've landed various opportunities to write for money.

Recently, I am starting to realise that I may have a slight case of inferiority complex.

I never feel good at anything I do, just...mediocre. 

I've been writing my whole life, but I am never confident enough to say, or even think that I am remotely good at it. I keep having these thoughts that I am just familiar with words. Could this familiarity be deemed a talent?

I hardly think so.

In the past months, I've got myself involved in spinning. Spin-cycling, to be exact. I've enrolled myself in the training course to become an instructor. I know...LOL

After months of intense training and preparation, I somehow still don't feel like I am cut out to be one. People around me say I have potential but all I am thinking is...when will this potential turn into actual skill?

I am able to do the bare minimum. I can spin intensively, I can conduct classes without too much of a hiccup...but am I actually good? 

This inferiority complex spills into many other aspects of my life too. I am not smart. I am not kind. I am not pretty. I am not...anything to shout about.

How much harder do I have to try before I feel like I am worthy of the praises and compliments I daren't accept?

Will I always feel inferior?

Will I always be inferior? 

Wow...

That was a massive fail.

Not only did I not follow ANYTHING on my list, I think I might have even gone OVERBOARD with my snacking and eating.

LOL. Why am I like this?

Looking at my banner photo just brings back memories...upsetting memories.

I think the pandemic really took a toll on me. It made me realise how susceptible I am to external factors, even though I do believe that I have some sort of level of discipline, personally.

It got me thinking...did I lose weight previously due to my discipline, or did I just conveniently find myself in a situation that encouraged the weight loss?

Did I even try?

I have been working out quite consistently for the past...I would say 8 months? Three times a week on average.

I did, and still do cardio, reformer pilates, and gym sessions. 

And I suppose my eating habits also...became slightly better?

Why didn't the combination of both my active schedule and improved eating habits accelerate my weight loss?

Yes, I did lose about 4kg in those beginning months. But the weight has...plateaued. Or, if I were being completely honest, I may have regained all of those kgs back. (I haven't found the courage to step on the scale since 4 months ago...)

Shall I go back to a more restrictive diet? That sure did help me previously. But that also made me sort of miserable. By miserable I mean it took up too much of my time and effort. 

Am I just a lost cause?

I keep telling myself time and time again - I have managed to get myself on a somewhat active lifestyle, so why am I letting my diet suffer?

Is it worth it?

Do I not want to reach my goal?

What is holding me back? My incessant need to constantly stuff myself with comfort food? My inability to control my actions, especially when I am bored?

Why do I find it so hard to control myself? 

Maybe I should really go back on My Fitness Pal. Calculate my calorie intake. Ensure I am always on a calorie deficit.

Can I do it?

What is the underlying cause of all of this? My laziness? My weak will?

Here is what I plan to do these 2 weeks leading to my birthday:

1) Get back on a 4-day per week workout plan

2) Count my calories via MFP

3) Cut off all sweets and unnecessary snacks (If I have to, take a bite and savour it slowly)

4) When I crave for sweets, drink iced cold water

5) When I crave for sweetened drinks, opt for green tea or iced black coffee (NO SUGAR-FREE DRINKS)

6) Eat my own cooked meals for lunch, and 2 eggs + protein drink for dinner

7) Ensure I get in 3L or water per day

8) Sleep at least 8 hours per day

9) Whenever I have to eat out, eat half of what I intuitively want to eat

10) Don't buy snacks

11) Do away with the "I'll be more discipline tomorrow" attitude

12) Recultivate my habit of no snacking or eating outside of mealtimes

13) Can I do it?

I can.

And I will.

See you on 18 March 2023.