I haven't blogged in such a long time.

Isn't it funny that I've ended up in a career that predominantly centres on writing...and yet, I've written nothing for myself in the past few years.

I never thought I liked writing - I never even thought that I would be good at it. To be honest, I still don't think I am that good. But somehow I've landed various opportunities to write for money.

Recently, I am starting to realise that I may have a slight case of inferiority complex.

I never feel good at anything I do, just...mediocre. 

I've been writing my whole life, but I am never confident enough to say, or even think that I am remotely good at it. I keep having these thoughts that I am just familiar with words. Could this familiarity be deemed a talent?

I hardly think so.

In the past months, I've got myself involved in spinning. Spin-cycling, to be exact. I've enrolled myself in the training course to become an instructor. I know...LOL

After months of intense training and preparation, I somehow still don't feel like I am cut out to be one. People around me say I have potential but all I am thinking is...when will this potential turn into actual skill?

I am able to do the bare minimum. I can spin intensively, I can conduct classes without too much of a hiccup...but am I actually good? 

This inferiority complex spills into many other aspects of my life too. I am not smart. I am not kind. I am not pretty. I am not...anything to shout about.

How much harder do I have to try before I feel like I am worthy of the praises and compliments I daren't accept?

Will I always feel inferior?

Will I always be inferior? 

Wow...

That was a massive fail.

Not only did I not follow ANYTHING on my list, I think I might have even gone OVERBOARD with my snacking and eating.

LOL. Why am I like this?

Looking at my banner photo just brings back memories...upsetting memories.

I think the pandemic really took a toll on me. It made me realise how susceptible I am to external factors, even though I do believe that I have some sort of level of discipline, personally.

It got me thinking...did I lose weight previously due to my discipline, or did I just conveniently find myself in a situation that encouraged the weight loss?

Did I even try?

I have been working out quite consistently for the past...I would say 8 months? Three times a week on average.

I did, and still do cardio, reformer pilates, and gym sessions. 

And I suppose my eating habits also...became slightly better?

Why didn't the combination of both my active schedule and improved eating habits accelerate my weight loss?

Yes, I did lose about 4kg in those beginning months. But the weight has...plateaued. Or, if I were being completely honest, I may have regained all of those kgs back. (I haven't found the courage to step on the scale since 4 months ago...)

Shall I go back to a more restrictive diet? That sure did help me previously. But that also made me sort of miserable. By miserable I mean it took up too much of my time and effort. 

Am I just a lost cause?

I keep telling myself time and time again - I have managed to get myself on a somewhat active lifestyle, so why am I letting my diet suffer?

Is it worth it?

Do I not want to reach my goal?

What is holding me back? My incessant need to constantly stuff myself with comfort food? My inability to control my actions, especially when I am bored?

Why do I find it so hard to control myself? 

Maybe I should really go back on My Fitness Pal. Calculate my calorie intake. Ensure I am always on a calorie deficit.

Can I do it?

What is the underlying cause of all of this? My laziness? My weak will?

Here is what I plan to do these 2 weeks leading to my birthday:

1) Get back on a 4-day per week workout plan

2) Count my calories via MFP

3) Cut off all sweets and unnecessary snacks (If I have to, take a bite and savour it slowly)

4) When I crave for sweets, drink iced cold water

5) When I crave for sweetened drinks, opt for green tea or iced black coffee (NO SUGAR-FREE DRINKS)

6) Eat my own cooked meals for lunch, and 2 eggs + protein drink for dinner

7) Ensure I get in 3L or water per day

8) Sleep at least 8 hours per day

9) Whenever I have to eat out, eat half of what I intuitively want to eat

10) Don't buy snacks

11) Do away with the "I'll be more discipline tomorrow" attitude

12) Recultivate my habit of no snacking or eating outside of mealtimes

13) Can I do it?

I can.

And I will.

See you on 18 March 2023.

Oh my god....

I cannot believe what I am seeing...

The trend of my posts... The similarity of the topics - seriously this blog is looking like a series of unfortunate events about my weight WTF

And I CANNOT BELIEVE that from 62kg, I became 65kg, and now...it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to get to sub-67kg!!!

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!!!

Why am I like this? I've maintained my weight for 6 years already previously. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT THIS TIME ㅠㅠ 

I'm so tired of quarantine life... I haven't gone out or moved more than 500m for WEEKS. Which begs the question, is it really any wonder why I've been piling on the weight like no tomorrow?

I wonder... Seeing as how I am not allowed to go ANYWHERE, is just walking within the compound of my condo -  you know, like 5000 steps per day - enough to keep my body active? 

How many steps do we walk usually anyway on a daily basis? 

UGH.

When will this life ever end. I want to go back to my normal life...

COVID-19 PLEASE END NOW!

 Let you all guess. Why am I suddenly back here at this blog?

a) I'm getting married

b) I broke up

c) I won toto RM1,000,000

d) I gained weight 

Any guesses? No? Really? REALLY!?!?!

Fine.

The answer is...I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay la no I'm not. In fact, I'm as far from getting married as I can possibly be because...

I've gained weight.

Again.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Is this cycle never going to end? And I tell you things have gotten even worse than before.

Remember how I said in my last blog post (as if ANYONE would remember something from a blog post you wrote N years ago) that I used to hover around 62-63kg, and then things got worse and I found it hard to even get to sub-65kg?

Well guess what. NOW I CANNOT EVEN SEEM TO GET TO SUB-66kg WTF

Oh right.

Since the last blog post, a major Earth-shifting change happened: Covid-19. No one expected it. It has been a year since and now everyone's just sitting thinking how we all took LIVING NORMALLY for granted before all this happened.

Remember how we were allowed to go out and breathe without having to cover our ugly face with a mask? 

Remember how we used to have no qualms about sandwiching ourselves between crowds of humans during a concert/mega sale/airport queue?

DO WE EVEN REMEMBER THE AIRPORT?!

Sigh. Well, I digress. Let me return from talking about the disaster that is our world to the disaster that is my life.

Wait, what made me talk about Covid-19 again? Oh yes. With Covid-19 came MCO, the movement that was instated to reduce our movement to control the spread of the virus, but which has since helped reduce MY overall body movement to practically zero. 

The first few months was still okay. Even though I basically only stood and walked whenever I needed to reach for food (I stay in a <1200sqft apartment), I still managed to lose weight by simply just preparing my own healthier meals.

From the sixth month onwards though, woh ho ho, it was like my entire metabolism decided to shut down due to disuse, let me tell you.

I think it's because I've been working from home, and so while everyone else has somewhat gone back to their usual work routine, I've still been stuck in MCO state.

UNTIL TODAY.

I've tried and tried to lose weight, but it seems like I'm just piling on the kgs like there is no tomorrow.

It's like my body just does not want to burn any fat!!!

I've gone from eating less than 800 calories per day for WEEKS, and still I only lost a measly 1.5kg, WHICH I HAVE NOW GAINED BACK.

WTH.

I've been going on walks everyday for at least 45 minutes, I've been skipping rope for at least 20 minutes 4 times a week, NOTHING.

Still gaining, gaining, and only maintaining my weight when I STARVE myself.

Help.

TT__TT

I'm starting to think that there may be some sort of a health issue that's causing this but I haven't been feeling unwell. Just generally...inactive.

Sigh.

But you know what, enough of the complaining. (Well, I needed to provide a backstory, didn't I?)

I'm going to continue working hard. I'm NOT GIVING UP.

I've lost 15kgs before and I'm going to do it again.

CONSISTENCY! PATIENCE! BELIEF! 

I've been reading The Secret and I'm going to apply the law of attraction to my life.

NO MORE NEGEATIVE FEELINGS.

JUST FOCUS ON YOUR IDEAL BODY.

BELIEVE THAT YOU ALREADY OWN THAT BODY.

BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU HAVE THAT BODY.

THINK OF IT EVERY SINGLE SECOND AND DON'T LET IT SLIP YOUR MIND.

FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF SEEING YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR FLAUNTING THAT BODY.

KEEP EATING HEALTHY AND STAYING ACTIVE.

BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY INCORPORATED THAT INTO YOUR LIFESTYLE.

ENJOY THE LIFE YOU HAVE NOW.

The universe is working to bring those things to me. 

And I am ready to receive it.

OUHMMMMMMM.

Okay that's all for my update.

BYE.

Hey, what's up blog?

I'm having kind of a bad day...no week...no month...well, year.

I don't what's happened to me, but I feel like by the day things are just getting worse for me in every aspect.

I'm gaining weight by the week, my work quality is declining (I've been awfully distracted somehow), I haven't been saving enough money, in fact, I've been spending so much in I donno what... And I haven't been fostering any of my friendships, honestly...

I've been floating through the days, kind of.

Should I go back to gymming? Getting back my momentum? Honestly I MISS gym so god damn much. I mean, it's not even the workouts that I used to regularly get. It's more the sense of routine - like I have a fixed schedule for my life.

Honestly, when I was gymming, those was the best days of my life.

I had control over how I wanted my day to go - because I wasn't committed to any friendship or any relationship (I sound like such a loner wtf), I felt healthier and slimmer, I didn't eat that much because I wanted to make my workouts worth it, hence I didn't spend that much (seriously, the bulk of my spending goes to food), and generally I just felt more...complete.

Right now it seems like I'm not doing anything right. I'm not working out, I'm not saving money, I'm not losing weight, I'm not excelling at work. The only saving grace is probably that...OMG I just sat here for 5 minutes trying to think of a saving grace and THERE JUST ISN'T ANY.

You know what. I think I've made up my mind. I have GOT to get my life together. I don't care if it's an extra expense, I don't care that I have to socialise during my me-time, I have GOT to go back to gym. I've just GOT to. I cannot stay like this forever. I CANNOT.

I used to be sub-62kg, which already pissed me off to NO END because I tried to hard to go sub-60kg...and now? It's a struggle to get to even sub-65kg!!!

I HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

I NEED TO GET MY ACT BACK TOGETHER.

I MUST EXERCISE MORE AND SAVE MORE MONEY.

I just REALLY NEED TO.

My memory has been getting worse by the day as well and honestly that has been freaking me out. Because I think my good memory is what sustains me as a person. If I lose this good skill, I might as well just kill myself, honestly!!!

On a side note, here's a to-do list I found back in March 2017 which I think would be quite interesting to share, considering the current situation:

MARCH 2017 TO-DO LIST

1. Get a job that I like. - I've managed this! I am >2 years into my new job and I absolutely love every single day of it!

2. Lose at least 4kg. (1kg per week!) - CAN YOU IMAGINE?! My goal weight used to be 4KG AWAY and now it's a staggering 7kg WTF

3. Clear out the clutter in my room (in my wardrobe, shelves, table etc) and keep it that way. - So far so good...

4. Have better skin. - I would say I've managed this as well... Ever since my colleague introduced to me the GOD OINTMENT for pimples, I've rarely had any bad breakouts except the monthly period zit tbh

5. Clear out the clutter in my car and keep it that way. - This is okay too!

Look! Everything was going so well in 2018 (even though, or should I say, because I was going through a bad breakup then) as I was losing weight by the day (at one point I even hit 59kg!!!) and I fell into the great wake-work-workout routine but in 2019, everything just kind of fell apart!!!

I NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK!

I will restart my gym membership next month, in July!!!

JUST MUST!!!!!!!!

Hi I'm back again. And I'm in a little bit of a problem.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to control my food intake and as a result I feel like I'm piling on the pounds wtf

I don't know why it's gotten so much more difficult this time than before. Is it because I've gotten older? And I have lesser self-control and less determination than when I was younger?

Previously I had no problem saying no to fattening food, or just food in general. And I remember finding it very easy to just say no when I'd had enough, or just saying no to that particular food because I knew that it was unhealthy.

This time round though I keep giving in to temptation, keep having this 'eat now, diet later' attitude that is clearly plummeting me into this weight-gaining abyss!!! HOW!!!

I've got to make up my mind man omg... I'm not young anymore!!! I WANNA LOOK PRETTY LAH!!!

So from today onwards I'm gonna only eat ONE MEAL for the entire day!!! I don't care if I starve, I don't care if it's a celebration a weekend a party or a whatever, I NEED TO CONTROL!!!

I need to get back into my groove! NOW NOW NOW

Please wish me luck omg................